I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
