The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
