VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
