I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
