Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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