Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
