he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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