I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
