Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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