I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
