1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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