i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
