i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
