what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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