So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just high enough for therapy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
