My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
