drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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