ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
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I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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