Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
it glows. i had to have it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
