at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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