I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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