Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
