youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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