Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
