Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
