i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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