New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
