So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
