If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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