just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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