No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
