My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
