He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
