My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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