I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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