So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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