So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
