You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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