no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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