we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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