you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
