i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
