I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
