coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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