Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
