I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
