so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
