I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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