Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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