We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
