I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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