i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
