I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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