how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
