Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
