The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
