i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
