just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
